One of my closest soul sisters told me “this is the most you I’ve ever seen you.” It’s true.

Since the moment Richii and I intentionally conceived M. I have felt a deep and unquestionable faith in the process of becoming a mother. Throughout my pregnancy I chose to filter all the advice through my intuition. I chose my wisdom.

Then labor happened. Looking back, I see that instead of dropping deep into my primal nature and my wisest Kali self, I chose to check out and head for 10th chakra.

For hours, my team of incredible supporters tried to bring me into my body so I could get the baby out.

Finally we ended up where I never imagined we’d be, at the hospital. There, I said fuck this. And I got real.

I knew Baby the hospital was full of caring experts, ready to impose their knowledge. So I got real. And I got that baby out the old fashioned way.

Our hospital stay didn’t end there. Little M. was jaundiced and we ended up 4 days in the hospital. The last time I was in the hospital overnight was when I was born.

During our stay we had 10 nurses, 3 pediatricians, 3 lactation consultants, 4 hospital paperwork people. All very caring and great at their jobs.

Each one had their own slightly different advice. So every 30 minutes or so someone would come in our room and tell us something a little different than the last person.

All I wanted was the space to drop into my wisdom and intuition and be the mama I am. Finally, I pulled out the “fuck this” and told them to leave us alone for a night.

Although I never expected the hospital, it was an amazing teacher for me. When you have a baby, people are excited. They want to offer their experience. I get it.

Saying no to the experts and fiercely trusting myself when my baby was sick was huge. Not that I ignored them, I just chose to filter the information more powerfully.

Being a mother has been much the same, not getting caught up in rules and expectations and instead reading myself, reading my baby. I keep trusting our connection, our family wisdom, and the magic of humanness.

And everyday I’m in awe that I get to play at this epic level: mom.