you freaky little love muffin

In the last few months, I’ve been mildly aware of something weird in me when I’m teaching yoga. It was a strange awkwardness that I couldn’t quite put a finger on. So I started asking for feedback, and different people would tell me different things. So and so would say “try this” and I would think, okay next class I’m going to try that. And then it would feel so pressurized and awkward that I wouldn’t do it. And someone else would suggest something, and again nope.

Then recently, I had a realization. I’ve been trying to fit into someone else’s shoes, or not shoes as the case is for yoga teachers. This is an interesting thing to admit, because most people would say that I’m an “authentic teacher”, and I would mostly agree.

It’s just that lately, I’ve really been pushing my edges. Starting a business, coaching people, hiring a radical coach and leading retreats has me in this space of expansion. Since I am out of my comfort zone and in a place of uncertainty, I’ve been turning to others to see what they are doing. I’m constantly wondering how do I do this? So of course, I’m looking around and wondering how others are doing it. I’m also looking for a sense of community as a solo entrepreneur.

And yet, the more I ask others how they have been doing it, the more uncomfortable I feel. Wait, shouldn’t I feel uncomfortable if I’m out of my comfort zone? Yes. But I think there are two (or possibly more) types of discomfort.

There is discomfort that is simply you expanding and pushing your edges, and then there is the discomfort of you doing something that isn’t right for you. Only you can know the difference. The way I can tell is that the discomfort of expansion feels a little scary and a little exciting. The discomfort of “this isn’t right for me” feels too exciting or too scary.

So once again, I’m experiencing how nobody else has my answers. I’m the only one who knows how I’m supposed to coach, supposed to write, supposed to teach, supposed to live. Sure, I can gather tips from others, like how to best utilize hashtags and how to make a green smoothie. But no one can tell me if my body wants a green smoothie but me.

The point is as you grow, notice where you are gathering your information from. Go within. Meditate, hike, yoga, journal. Do whatever it takes to get to know who you really are. Let go of how your boss, mom, friends, cousins, dog want you to be. Step into the land where somebody might not like you. GASP.

The best thing you can do for the world is be you. Which is the hugest cliche ever. But it’s also the simplest and yet hardest thing there is. Simple because, duh. Hard because somebody outside of me might not approve, or worse, they might dislike me. Or what if I follow the wrong ideas, I have so many of them!

What if every human on Earth just let go of the drama, and settled into their true selves? Imagine that for a second. That happens one person at a time. Be you, you freaky little love muffin.