what’s so hard about asking?
I ask a lot of questions. That’s what coaches do. However there is one area I haven’t been bold enough to ask in: Receiving. As in asking others to give to me.
I realized last night that I rarely ask for anything from anyone. Primarily because I don’t like feeling like I’m the source of someone’s problems. Secondarily because I hate it when I get rejected.
Of all the big fears running my show, the biggest fear is that my existence is somehow ruining everything. To compensate for this fear, I do two things: I sub-consciously find ways to help lots of people, and I keep my closest relationships at an arm’s length.
Typically, when I meet an edge, I self-coach, read a lot of books, watch a few Ted-talks, go to a yoga class and then I find someone to serve.
I give a lot. And I’ve been creating more boundaries around giving. But receiving, that’s another story.
They say there is a law of reciprocity, what is given must be returned. But the thing is, I don’t know if I have shown a way for the Universe to give back to me… or if I have even asked the Universe to give to me…
Actually, I did ask to receive. It was in meditation once or twice a few months ago… that counts right?
And don’t get me wrong, I have received huge amounts of wonderful awesomeness in my life, but there is something so raw and vulnerable about asking, that I have to do it.
So in a gesture of surrender and listening to the clues from the Universe, I’m asking: Can I let you pay me for my writing?
Have I served you and you’d like to give back?
Am I distorting our relationship because I’m unable to receive from you?
Is my “do it myself” attitude blocking the law of reciprocity?
So I’m adding a paypal button to my website that could allow for me to engage with my community in a new way. Not only am I giving value, but I’m also receiving it.
A part of me says “I might as well stand on the corner of Canyon and Broadway in Boulder, panhandling in real life. And I don’t really need money. And People will think I’m a loser if I do this.”
And another part of me laughs because Amy rhymes with Pay Me. I mean there’s gotta be a charming limerick in there.
Another part of me sounds a lot like my coach with a charming British accent: Afraid to ask, do it anyway. Afraid to feel this vulnerable and exposed, do it anyway. Afraid of what they might say, do it anyway. Afraid that you’ll get nothing, do it anyway. Afraid that you’re doing it wrong, do it anyway.
And damn am I afraid to hit the post button on this one, and I did it anyway.